The Rest Is Football

As much as I love football I am struggling to enjoy The Rest Is Football with Links, Al, Meeks, Harry M and Joey coming to you live from the World Cup in New York City.

Thankfully I am watching it from the comfort of my own home where I can switch off for a hydration break when the bantz becomes unbearable.

Just imagine if it was recorded in front of a live audience and I was stuck there, praying for canned laughter to drown out my groaning to save me being unmasked as the odd one out.

I am not a lad and never have been. I want the magic of Italia 90, not a tribute act to the laddism of the 90s. Now Gary Lineker has left the BBC he can say the F word. Effing this, effing that, giving his boys the authority to swear as well. It feels a little uncomfortable and incongruous with their professional profiles.

Maybe they studied old episodes of TFI Friday and Fantasy Football to hone their off-the-clock personas and let their hair down. Ha, ha. Gary makes jokes about men going bald, suggesting he has not learnt from the days he made offensive jokes about Luke Chadwick’s appearance. Shearer seems to be his number two. They are probably okay individually but not when they are together.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they had sagging trousers to show off their England team shorts over their jeans. Watching The Rest Is Football may not be good for my health as I end up ruminating about my adolescence.

If only I knew the word anthropologist back then, I could have made sense of why I was so fascinated by social cliques, what made people popular, what made a reputation and the culture and behaviours this power created. Football is a way of connecting, something to talk about.

It is just so loud, making you watch as you wonder why they are having such a good time. I am having flashbacks of neglecting my real friends to try to get acceptance from the in crowd.

Football, cigarettes and alcohol and everything that goes with it – the banter, the marginalisation and the toxic machismo. Is this why I cannot bear listening to Oasis?

I have always loved the World Cup and enjoy listening to football journalists talk about football. While aware that my parasocial perception of footballers cum pundits is based on their on-screen performances, I either think they are great blokes or can’t stand them. They somehow remind me of people I didn’t like from my past, whose elevated stature and opinions owed a lot to kicking balls.

As expected when top boys come together on The Rest is Football there is the reciting of old stories to validate their top 1% status. Gazza, the golden generation, club rivalries and paying England managers millions to make footballers sit next to each other for lunch. Just don’t mention ze Germans as World War I and II were so funny.

To be fair, I expect men who played Sunday league football together many years ago would do the same about their playing days. I loved my Sunday League football days. Despite being useless at football, I was made to feel part of the club.

My love/hate relationship with football depends on how I am experiencing the beautiful game. Some great memories and some bad ones.

Football is not just a sport - it is a social institution woven into the everyday fabric of many societies. I expect most footballers know at the end of the day it is just a game of two halves but look at the opportunities it affords you if you become a household name.

Gary Lineker and the boys excelled on the football pitch and managed to carve out media careers.

They deserve credit for this transition as it is not easy to analyse games when everything you say is under scrutiny. Maybe Netflix is a bad influence and they need some public service punishment to get back on track.

I can survive without The Rest Is Football. I want the referee from Turkey v Paraguay to be head of values for the show. If they cross the line he can storm in and shout: ‘After review, you covered your mouth when swearing, decision is red card.’

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is entirely my opinion and does not reflect the opinions of any organisations I am affiliated with.

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