No Water

The world is on fire and we have no water to put out the flames.

I woke up at 5am on Saturday to get ready for a race in Guildford. The chaos in Iran and Venezuela was on the TV news. The snow and ice had melted away. It should have been a good weekend, but the taps ran dry, the toilets wouldn’t flush and I forgot to turn on the dishwasher before going to bed.

Dirty plates, I told my mate I couldn’t make the race.

Dirty glasses, get off your arses and fix the pipes. We want our water back.

Empty reservoir, empty water tanks, burst pipes, leaks and “unprecedented” is back as word of the moment to describe the ongoing work to restore our water.

I have time to read the National Framework for Water Resources 2025: water for growth, nature and a resilient future, but it is impossible to concentrate.

Resilience! Resilience! It has been three days without running water and Storm Goretti is being blamed for battering the water system.

Goretti? Does he work for one of the Five Families in New York or am I stereotyping Italians? Although it does feel like mob corruption. Sabotage the water supply until the water companies and council submit to their demands.

The joy of queuing in car parks for water where local characters and unemployed actors have audiences to entertain. This is unbearable. No one thinks you’re funny. Why do people take more than they need? Are you going to return the shopping trolleys you are using to transport your water home?

People are farting in the street, pissing in parks. I am having flashbacks of the living hell of going to the toilets in The Marquis of Granby on Chandos Place near Trafalgar Square. The most disgusting toilets in London will soon be replicated all over town.

Maybe George Orwell will come back to life to be down and out in water shortages to capture the unprecedented mess that no PR team can clean up. "We have experienced challenges, but I do also think that we are doing everything that we possibly can." This sounds like something you should never say to your manager when they are underwhelmed by your performance.

The chore of getting water for toilets, washing up, cooking and hygiene remind me of my late disabled dad’s routine for getting from the bed to the commode and back again, cleaning up and getting changed. It was absolute hell and he did it for years. I’ve been doing this for three days and I am going mad.

The schools are closed. I still don’t know what fronted adverbials are.

Going to work for a shower is bliss. Walking home with a rucksack full of bottles makes me sweaty.

Still no date for when normal services will resume.

Water is already being used as a tool of war. But many experts argue water can also prevent war. The Stockholm International Water Institute (SIWI) argues that:

• Water disputes often lead to cooperation, not conflict

• Shared water systems can become bridges for negotiation

Historically, countries have been more likely to sign treaties than go to war over water.

The CEOs of water companies have security details to protect them from angry customers!

There can be no peace until I have a bath.