Cheese Twists Office Attendance Index

Can the supply and demand of cheese twists be a trusted tool to measure office attendance? You bet it can. Forget Wi-Fi tracking and desk sensors, the scarcity of these puff pastry treats in the high streets around offices can show you how many people are in the office and doing their bit for the economy by buying this national treasure.

At 12:30 today, there were only two cheese twists left in both the Sainsbury’s stores near East Croydon station. I was kicking myself for not buying the yummy cheese and onion twists from Amazon Fresh this morning. Maybe Amazon will reverse its decision to close its stores if we buy thousands of their best bakery product. It is a perfect accompaniment for the Pret’s Italian Chicken Salad.

A few weeks ago I had to walk to Marks & Spencer to buy cheese twists as Sainsbury’s, Tesco and Co-Op were out and I refuse to pay for the expensive Pret cheese twist. I love them but the price has to be reasonable. It’s not 1997 when the economy was booming and no one worked from home. Commuting and buying lunch are expensive.

I was surprised to discover that cheese twists are not included in the Office for National Statistics’ economy shopping basket which is a fixed set of goods and services used to measure inflation. Evidence suggests that UK wages continue to outpace inflation, but the cost of living continues to hit you where it hurts.

Everything is expensive apart from supermarket cheese twists. Even if you do find Gail’s and Pret’s cheese twists a tad pricey they are cheaper than sandwiches.

There must be a way to gauge office footfall on the amount of cheese twists consumed in shops and cafes. Maybe office canteens can stock cheese twists to keep people inside and spending. I want to see prominent leaders waving cheese twists in the air to celebrate the increase in office attendance and the end of worklessness. If you come to the office three times a week you can get a free cheese twist!

Admittedly when I buy cheese twists from the supermarket, I tell myself they have not been touched by a hundred different people and picked up off the floor. Even if they look battered, tattered and like an escapee from Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies, they go well with soup, salads and pasta. Like the savoury equivalent of dunking a biscuit in a hot drink.

I want to hear from economists on how the cheese twist index can be the trusted source of measuring office attendance. Let’s make it an agenda item for trade union meetings on why employees have to return to the office. Instead of breaking bread to discuss why workplace attendance is important, let’s use cheese twists to find a middle ground.

We've had doughnut economics, it's time for cheese twist economics.

You can vote for your favourite cheese twist via this poll https://forms.office.com/r/GXkJWkNLmj?origin=lprLink